Grammar

Now; I don't profess to be the greatest and most accurate writer on the planet and yes I do make mistakes but I simply must have a rant about morons who do not use punctuation or know the difference between the way certain words are written depending on their meaning.

*Please don't point out the deliberate mistakes in the picture, if you don't get irony you're going to have a bad time. Also you're a fucking moron.

I particularly don't like people that post incomprehensible babble on their Facebook pages, these people are normally some form of nause cunt that I've already covered earlier in the blog, it's almost as if it actually HURTS them to write things correctly, how can a human being be so stupid and/or ignorant that they simply cannot grasp Year 3 English language. More to the point why would anyone allow themselves to be so incredibly thick? It's almost like they've had a stroke and can only write half of what they actually want to.

Either way I feel the need to rant about that age old point of whining. The difference between there, their and they're, so I shall once and for all show the useless plebs what the meanings are; because clearly they can't pick up a dictionary. Also: thrown in some others that constantly annoy me.......

There - In or at that place - "Over there"

Their - This is possessive - "Their House"

They're - Short for They Are "They're all thick useless nause cunts captain"

Too - In addition to something "John! There's too many retards that don't know the difference between 'to' and 'too' the useless gobshites."

Two - It's the fucking number, surely that's not hard

Your - A possessive case of the word You - "Is that dribble coming out of your thick fucking face?"

You're - Shortened version of You Are - "You're a proper useless nause twat aren't you?"

And please learn. for fuck's sake, how to use an apostrophe, it's possessive and can be used to join two words. Just read this post, if you can, there's enough examples throughout.

This is only the tip of the iceberg as far as I'm concerned but I appreciate that many of you have busy lifestyles; I think you get the drift.

Two more things, anyone that EVER confuses the word "our" with "are" should be culled at pace and if I ever hear anyone actually use the word "Swag" in a normal conversation I will personally remove their teeth one punch at a time.

One Direction can get to fuck as well. Rant complete.

Paul's Boutique

What ho! Yes, women and girls can also be a nause cunt, lord knows we all have a few acquaintances that fit into that catergory.

Now the one thing I have noticed about this particular brand is that it's mainly worn by chav tree-pigs absolutely caked in makeup trying to glam up their otherwise very plain lifestyles (think a homeless Katie Price and you have your average Paul's Boutique customer)

The one thing that always get's me is how the owner of a PB product genuinely believes they are highly original, you are not you nause cuntette. Every item of PB's kit is manufactured en-mass in sweat shops in the far east, there are thousands of other women with exactly the same bag/coat as you. On the up side it means you're not the only person stupid enough to pay that price for something that Wayne Rooney glued together in his crafts class (which he normally has after his sippy cup and nap time).

You look like a giant walking billboard and you are happy to pay a fucking fortune to be an advertisement for the brand, this Paul fellow must be shitting himself laughing at you. Imagine the design meetings;

Designer: "I have a great idea for a new bag Mr Paul!"

Paul: "Ah, don't worry, just glue any old shit to a Tesco bag for life, these cunts'll buy anything"

Take it off, turn down the makeup and have a think about what you do next. Preferably stay in and sort your fucking head out.

Wicker Shoes

Now most people will conjour up an image of wicker shoes like this.........

You'd be very wrong, some nause cunts have decided to start wearing wicker shoes. Actual, proper shoes made from the same stuff they use on the bottom of hot air balloons. Yes indeed, they have starting making fashion items out of wicker.

Who the fuck wants to wear a couple of baskets on their feet. Just because some designer says "ooh these are fashionable" the average nause cunt by default simply must wear them. I've actually tried a pair on and they are the most uncomfortable things I've ever had around my feet and I've trodden in dogshit bare footed guys. What's next trousers made from hay? Pants made out of spiders eggs? What is wrong with these people.

"Ooh look how original I am with my shoes made from hedgerows" no mate, you look like you stole Worzel Gummidge's slippers. Take them off, put on some proper shoes and have a long hard think about your life you fucking absolute mong.

Mustard Chinos

Now! Who the fucking hell thinks these look good? I'd just about lost my rag with the standard baby's vomit chinos, but mustard? Holy fucking hell.


The type of nause cunts that wear these usually combine it with a burgundy top, now I fully agree that the two colours go really well with each other (on hotel walls and in Dulux paint combos) but on a fucking person? Are these people mentally ill? They look like some sort of Mr Kipling pudding.


I kid you not, I actually saw two of these wankers the other day, one had the mustard chinos and burgundy top and the other one had the mustard top and burgundy chinos. Did this pair not think it might be a good idea to split up rather than walk around looking like the dyslexia twins? As if it could any worse, they had fucking red Toms on, both of them. I reckon they must have been sucking each other off while applying their make-up and selecting this absolutely yogi bear of an outfit. Nause Cunts.


I despair at the world sometimes.


I have many more rants on the way, hold tight people.........

VK Wankers

Now these particular nause cunts really get up my tree!


No mate; you do not look cool walking around with to 2 varying flavours of that foul liquid in your hands. You, in fact, look like a twat,


I know how you think you look, your crazy little brain thinks you look like P Diddy quaffing two bottles of Crystal when in reality you just look like a fucking prick drinking a beverage that should really be aimed at 14 year olds. When I see one of these dickheads walking around with two VKs in their hands I automatically think this:

I'm particularly impressed when they put both bottles to their mouths and drink from them at the same time. You do have to give them credit there though; imagine how much of their tiny brain had to be utilised in order for them to raise two objects towards their face at the same time, they probably have to take brain power away from other necessary bodily functions and soil their underwear while they do it. If they managed to get both legs in separate holes.

I'm also impressed with the way they use these particularly sticky and stain creating drinks to spray fucking everywhere. All over everyone. That's exactly what we want mate, to be covered in a sticky, foul tasting, foul smelling kids drink. Yeah! Aren't you amazing. I wonder if they do that because after the two bottle mouth pour they no longer have the cranial capacity to stand in a crowd without having a stroke.

Move away from alcopops nause-boy and get one single drink of a grown up persuasion like the rest of us adults, the only people you impress are your mates, and to be honest, they're just and fucking twatty as you.

Fucking Vests!

Here we go again, I'm completely and utterly cunted off with people that think it's ok to wear a vest when the sun goes down. Listen nause cunts; it is not ok to wear a vest when it's night. It is particularly not ok to wear one to a nightclub. Do you realise what you look like?

I have cleverly disguised the person next to the Nause Cunt. He is now some sort of cat demon.

Check out this guy, not only is he wearing a fucking PINK vest, he also has Toms and Topman Wanker jeans turnups! This guy is the reason I feel the need to go out killing, it could only have been made worse by a fake tan. I imagine that's faded when this pic was taken. He looks like a fake tan cunt.

Does this guy leave his divorced mum's house in some sort of middle class suburb after looking in the leather bound Ikea-esque mirror in the hall and think "Yeah! Fuck Yeah! I look awesome!" ?

You do not look awesome, you look like a puff with a cleft wardrobe. Please stop, you're frustrating those of us that actually hate you.

People Carriers

Right! 
I understand that people carriers have a use, they are for carrying people. Mainly families.

Mate! It doesn't matter how loud you blast drum and bass/euro house/awful rnb with your windows down. Your car is unbelievably uncool, you look like a twat, you sound like a twat. Put your windows up, pick your kids up from the Transport Museum and shut up.

Just because life didn't turn out like you wanted; with a Bentley and gold leafed banisters in a terrible faux Tudor 6 bedroomer.

Also stop driving like a dickjob, you have your family on board, you're a dad, be responsible. Nause Cunt.

And put your top on, you look like a pikey in a Zafira topless. I refer you to a previous post: http://nausecunts.blogspot.co.uk/2012/03/top-off-in-public-place.html

@samstockmans and @JSimms_23 helped me out with this one

follow these boys on twitdog.

The "Sync" Button

If you're a proper DJ you'll understand.
The Sync tab should be made illegal, software developers that include this tab should be punished via a barbed wire encrusted dildo until they get the message.

This is all.

Summer Sunday Nob-Jobs

Now, my housemate Samuel (@byjest - twitter) has pulled up a good point, while I'm here having a rant.


Who are these absolute pussy flaps that get out of bed on a Sunday afternoon in the summer to go and stand in the beer garden of an all day party? These fucking gaylords spend hours reconstructing their hideous face with what appears to be limitless amounts of Laboritoire Garnier foundation and wearing the tightest low cut top they find and congratulate each other on how much "Gear" they did last night. No mate, you stuck an 8th of cake mix up your schnozz and went home to wank over your sister's dirty knickers because no actual woman will ever sleep with someone wearing more make up than she is.
You say you were up all night taking gear when really you were in your room with your mates wanking each off and then using the rest of the time to get ready so you can stand in the sun pouting with your fucking girl's drink - cider and black and desperately hoping Joey Essex will become your best mate. 'Cos let's face it, he must be your hero, you look like the fucking nause cunt.
Stop posing, order a beer and get pissed like everyone else pretty boy.

The women are just as bad! spend less time standing around posing and slagging the other girls off - who all look exactly the same as you - stop nursing that one glass of Rose you can afford and get a brandy and coke down your neck because let's face it, you'll probably have the dj/bouncer/barstaff/local tramp's cock down there later anyway so you need to get that shit numb.


Most of this rant came from Sam, I've just added a few bits in.

Toms

I absolutely fucking hate this particular type of footwear, I've said something similar before. I think they look like a sock stapled to a Ryvita. Some sort of school plimsole with down syndrome. Used pants Pritt-Stick'd to a door mat cut off. I could go on for ages.

Apparently whenever you buy a pair of Toms they give a pair to a child in a third world country. Surely they'd appreciate a fucking pie and chips rather than these slippers with Parkinsons. I don't think they need any more wells, me and my housemate are convinced you can't move in the third world for wells. Just stop giving them wanky footwear and wells. I want to start a charity "Pie and Chips for Africa"

My main gripe with these "shoes" is the type of absolute knob job that wears them, these people think it's acceptable to wear a low cut top (which we will address later) and a scarf *(also will talk about this later) and stand in their trendy out of town bars, fake tanned up to the nines - no names mentioned - posing and pouting like absolute queers. I'm a gay, that is no secret but even I draw the line at how much makeup I will wear. None.

Toms should be banned and anyone caught wearing them after they've been banned should be slapped to death with a single Tom covered in dog shit.

*In the middle of summer. Fucking TWATS!

Top Off In A Public Place

Now I have to be honest, it's not just Topman Wankers that will feature heavily in this blog, chav scumbags will also be rearing their ugly heads from time to time, yesterday while the sun was out this thought occurred to us outside Club S7ven in Coventry. Bearing in mind it was only 18 degrees Celsius.


"Why is it these fucking Chav scum-hole nobbers have to take their tops off in public whenever the sun pops itself out from behind the clouds?"

Now, don't get me wrong, we have all taken our top off in public but it is only socially acceptable in 4 places; ever! So take note nause cunts, unless your top is off in any place other than the four listed below; you look an absolute twat. Nobody wants to see your skinny, pasty crack addict-like body. Put it away and get that fucking staffy on a lead before it attacks another child on your council estate. Will you also stop walking around in tracksuit bottoms. They are called a "Tracksuit" for a reason, you wear them to train at the TRACK! Not when you are in Argos selecting your next Elizabeth Duke sovereign ring.

The only four places it is acceptable to take your top off in public are:-

• By the pool
• On the beach
• In the park in HIGH summer with your mates, a few beers and a barbecue
• In bed

End Of.

Welcome

Bonjour, Hola, Sal'am, Guten Tag, Sawubona!


Welcome to etiquette for grade A cunts, this blog is here to instruct all the world's nause cunts how they should and should not behave, whenever I remember to have a rant about these proper Topman wankers I'll add a new set of instructions for each particular nause cunt activity they're up to this time. Men with spray tans, scarfs in summer and fucking Toms on will feature heavily and of course I shall throw a few visual examples of these nause cunts in all their nausiness. Keep your eyes open and don't forget to follow yeh?
I've left an example of a group of nause cunts below.


Peace and Love
M

Topman Wanker

noun. Primarily British

An individual who purchases most of their wardrobe from topman, these individuals are usually some sort of twat.

Example:-

John: "Who's that mysteriously sexy man?"

Glen: "That's Chris, he's a Topman Wanker

John: "Oh"